So this is it. I choose my words carefully because they are chalk
full of meaning. I waited a few days to take the time to write this, just to
make sure I fully felt everything and today I’m pretty confident that I’ve gone
through most of the stages. I have one left, but that comes later.
Here I am, 5 years later. In terms of my blog it is 6 years
later because I started while a senior in high school; but we’ll focus on
college. The blog comes later. I started this journey naïve and intimidated.
Now, I am neither. I walked wide-eyed in to Brittany Hall in August of 2010 and
met people who changed my life. I took on nitty gritty New York City. Most days
it won, but I had a few victories along the way. I laughed, cried, and screamed
my way through 2 years of tough education only to come out what I consider a
warrior on the other side. I trudged a few pieces of me back to Florida and
glued myself back together in the sun.
I came back to Florida mad at myself, convinced that I had
made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and ready to give up on school
altogether. Before I had even moved home I found a job because I figured if I
could have that I could at least try to be proud of something. While I
continued to go to school I didn’t do very well, but I didn’t fail any classes.
In work I didn’t end up finding myself, if anything I think I lost myself even
more during that year. I went from an independent perfectionist to a dependent
slacker. I didn’t care about much and I got walked on like a doormat. I let it
go on for much too long, thinking one day I would wake up and things would be
different. Fortunately, circumstance intervened because I probably wouldn’t
have and the course of my life changed.
I took a job working 9-5 hours and going to school at night.
While I hated that, too, I found more structure. I changed back into the
independent girl I once knew – albeit a little less of a perfectionist. After a
year of barely making it through class awake I changed jobs again to
accommodate my school schedule because now I was in it to win it. It came to be
my last year of classes and my grades had improved and I was ready to be the
nerd I once was. So I threw myself into school, worked when I wasn’t at school,
and focused on me. I started doing anything and everything I wanted to. I was
slowly becoming the best version of myself without even realizing.
Along the way I lost my way with a lot of people, and it has
both stayed that way and found its way back. The people I have right now are
the people I want forever, and I want those people to know that. I will fight
to the ends of the earth to protect the ones I love and will always put them
before myself. It typically gets me in trouble, taken advantage of, and
forgotten about but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My romantic situations
are unfortunate and maybe one day I’ll find my way, but I wouldn’t give up what
I’ve gained, learned, fought for, and earned for love. I may have compromised
before, and sometimes I slip and do what is best for someone else versus myself
but I continue to work every day to make myself happy.
Now, over the 6 years of doing this blog I’ve learned a lot about
myself simply through writing. Letting people in to things that should have
been private, not being able to find the words I really wanted to say, or
deleting what I shouldn’t have. I’ve grown and changed in my writing, I know my
voice and I’ve matched it pretty well to who I am, but I’m still convinced I’ll
never find all of the words. The “thank yous” for my family who have stood by
me through it all. The “I love yous” for the friends I’ve lost and found again.
The “I’m sorrys” for all of the things I should have apologized for a long time
ago. The “no’s” for all of the times I said yes when I shouldn’t have. I work
this hard to make you all proud. I do everything I do for you. I write what I write
for you. I have found my voice on the off chance that maybe you haven’t found
yours. Well, I wrote.
With this, my loves, I leave you. I begin a career and a
journey to the other side of my life. While you won’t have a front row seat
anymore, I promise to keep you included.
With all of the love I have to give,
Gina
