Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

Letting go. What a concept. I'm not so good at this. I'm a very nostalgic person so it's really hard for me to get rid of things, let alone people. The good, the bad, the ugly, the mean...I keep it all because I'm scared of what it means to let it go.

When I was in elementary school I needed crayons and my dad went out and bought me a pack of these Pokemon RoseArt crayons. I doubt he remembers this. But I thought it was so cool. And I left them in the car one day and they melted. I cried that they melted because my dad had gone out and bought them specifically for me. Even writing about it now makes me sad, I'm that sentimental.

I have movie tickets from middle school. I have more memory boxes than any normal person needs. I have stuffed animals and I still love them, as my darling roommate/best friend so sweetly pointed out the other day when I was squealing over a stuffed duck at Target. I'm a sucker, what can I say. I have notebooks from high school, hell I have a folder from middle school full of papers. I'm not too keen on the concept of "gone forever." I know you're thinking that I'm well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady hoarder, but for right now that's not where this post is going.

My point is people. It's so hard for me to let go of things, imagine how hard it is for me to let go of people. I don't like to forget. I like to think that I have a ridiculously good memory for a reason. The friends I've had throughout my life, I've hated losing all of the ones I've lost so far. I couldn't imagine losing the ones I have now. That's just friends. So far in my life I've never lost a family member and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to face something like that. But sometimes we need to let go regardless of what we think it'll do to us.

Some people are just bad for us. They have negative effects on us and become more of a drug than a shoulder to lean on. I think the people that are right for you in your life are our own personal antibiotics. They save us, make us feel better, etc., but we don't always need them. Even when we don't, though, we can still get them. There might even be some extra laying around somewhere from the last time. The right people will pick you up and push your forward, not hold you in the same place with them forever. That's not the point. Moving forward and forging a path is the point. Bring the right ones with you and let the bad ones go, no matter the cost. The reward will be greater.

I'll let go with you.

xx
Gina

So Long My Friend, Until We Meet Again

This is a personal one.

The first person I have ever truly loved is leaving today. Moving back to the place they consider home and leaving behind the life and the person they have created here. I'm sad, to say the least, and I could use inspirational quotes and song lyrics to express that but I really don't want to. I want to feel every part of this.

Things were never quite right with us. There isn't anyone close to me who could say that they like him. But that doesn't matter to me. When you're biased you're blind to anything remotely wrong. I see all the same red flags they see. I see all the problems and reasons to walk away that they see. And that they have seen. But I don't care.

In being a fan of movies and books you see a lot of love stories. The ones that work out, the ones that don't, the ones with a cheating speed bump, or the ones with the wrong timing speed bump. I have always watched them or read them and never really felt anything. The stories never made me cry or feel anything other than admiration for this thing called love. My thoughts on that are different now and I cry when the guy leaves or when the girl changes her mind or when things just don't quite go the way they were supposed to.

I pride myself on being a sort of cryptic open book. You can read my pages all you want but to understand the language is something different entirely. For most people. The ones closest to me know my secrets and the things I don't like others to know. But this guy. The one I love (who did go remarkably silent when he heard those 3 words a few days ago) gets my language, too. And I think it's an even different language than anyone else has seen. The silly, all-understanding, open to anything, smiling, caring, affectionate, nerdy, quiet, obnoxious, weird version of me. It's taught me a lot about myself. Who do I want to be when people are looking? I know who I am when I'm alone and I'm comfortable with that person but in public and in front of others I'm not that same person. I'm reserved and stoic and a little bit robotic. Most people would be surprised to know that's not the real me.

I used to want to be an actress. I can always assume the mindset of someone else and everything was so dramatic. But I guess maybe I'm one every day. I know people's triggers and what's going to make that next thing happen and I know when to act and when not to. But I think love changes that. For me, it was only in front of the person I love. I didn't open that part of me up to others except when he was around.

I don't know if there's a point to what I'm saying other than that I understand a little more now. Love does change things about who we are and how we act. I know this one in particular is going to change a lot of things about me and that used to scare me. And I am a little scared of not really knowing what's coming next but I'm not crippled. I thought when he left I would be crippled. But I really think I'll be okay.

xx
Gina