This Is Where I Leave You

So this is it. I choose my words carefully because they are chalk full of meaning. I waited a few days to take the time to write this, just to make sure I fully felt everything and today I’m pretty confident that I’ve gone through most of the stages. I have one left, but that comes later.

Here I am, 5 years later. In terms of my blog it is 6 years later because I started while a senior in high school; but we’ll focus on college. The blog comes later. I started this journey naïve and intimidated. Now, I am neither. I walked wide-eyed in to Brittany Hall in August of 2010 and met people who changed my life. I took on nitty gritty New York City. Most days it won, but I had a few victories along the way. I laughed, cried, and screamed my way through 2 years of tough education only to come out what I consider a warrior on the other side. I trudged a few pieces of me back to Florida and glued myself back together in the sun.

I came back to Florida mad at myself, convinced that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and ready to give up on school altogether. Before I had even moved home I found a job because I figured if I could have that I could at least try to be proud of something. While I continued to go to school I didn’t do very well, but I didn’t fail any classes. In work I didn’t end up finding myself, if anything I think I lost myself even more during that year. I went from an independent perfectionist to a dependent slacker. I didn’t care about much and I got walked on like a doormat. I let it go on for much too long, thinking one day I would wake up and things would be different. Fortunately, circumstance intervened because I probably wouldn’t have and the course of my life changed.

I took a job working 9-5 hours and going to school at night. While I hated that, too, I found more structure. I changed back into the independent girl I once knew – albeit a little less of a perfectionist. After a year of barely making it through class awake I changed jobs again to accommodate my school schedule because now I was in it to win it. It came to be my last year of classes and my grades had improved and I was ready to be the nerd I once was. So I threw myself into school, worked when I wasn’t at school, and focused on me. I started doing anything and everything I wanted to. I was slowly becoming the best version of myself without even realizing.

Along the way I lost my way with a lot of people, and it has both stayed that way and found its way back. The people I have right now are the people I want forever, and I want those people to know that. I will fight to the ends of the earth to protect the ones I love and will always put them before myself. It typically gets me in trouble, taken advantage of, and forgotten about but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My romantic situations are unfortunate and maybe one day I’ll find my way, but I wouldn’t give up what I’ve gained, learned, fought for, and earned for love. I may have compromised before, and sometimes I slip and do what is best for someone else versus myself but I continue to work every day to make myself happy.

Now, over the 6 years of doing this blog I’ve learned a lot about myself simply through writing. Letting people in to things that should have been private, not being able to find the words I really wanted to say, or deleting what I shouldn’t have. I’ve grown and changed in my writing, I know my voice and I’ve matched it pretty well to who I am, but I’m still convinced I’ll never find all of the words. The “thank yous” for my family who have stood by me through it all. The “I love yous” for the friends I’ve lost and found again. The “I’m sorrys” for all of the things I should have apologized for a long time ago. The “no’s” for all of the times I said yes when I shouldn’t have. I work this hard to make you all proud. I do everything I do for you. I write what I write for you. I have found my voice on the off chance that maybe you haven’t found yours. Well, I wrote.

With this, my loves, I leave you. I begin a career and a journey to the other side of my life. While you won’t have a front row seat anymore, I promise to keep you included.

With all of the love I have to give,

Gina

Lets Give Em Something to Talk About

Meeting someone at work or at school has long become a thing of the past. These days, we trade personal interactions for virtual ones to keep the world at arm's length. At least that's what I've done.

I was excited when I first heard about Tinder almost 2 years ago now. I could choose who I wanted to talk to based on some pictures and a quick profile? Very cool. I started speaking to someone almost immediately and couldn't get past how weird it would be to actually meet them so I never did it. (Fun fact, I reached out almost a year later just for kicks and he was dating someone but asked if I wanted him to "come over real quick.")

Fast forward to the past year or so, I've used Tinder on multiple occasions just for fun. I got dumped a couple of times and I was ready to just let it all out and act like a 22 year old. I found South Florida to be a great place to Tinder, especially in the spring because it is all Spring Breakers and baseball players here for Spring Training. Any girls dream. I did this a couple of times, never anything serious and never with anyone I was desperate to see more than once. But even then it got really old really fast.

That's when I tried OKCupid. "Maybe the men here are more serious," I thought. You had to actually answer personality questions, there was a little more substance, and it was free. (I'm still fighting the idea of paying for a dating service at 23.) And it really was better. The guys seemed cooler, they message you constantly and I could choose who I wanted to reply to. But it was still all the same. They ask for pictures of you that "wouldn't be on your profile", they want your number because "you can't trust the messaging on the app", and it is still all about sex.

Not to say there is anything wrong with only wanting to hook up with someone you meet online. I did it for a while but eventually it just seems pointless. I know I have a lot more to offer in a relationship so that's what I'm going to look for.

Every once in a while you'll find the good ones, too. The ones who hold a conversation but don't ask you to strip for them. (Or ask if you have a snapchat because that is the exact same thing.) You can talk to them for days or weeks and be really excited about finding someone different. They're smart and a lot like you. You set a date to meet and you're actually looking forward to it. And then...you meet.

Texting and online communication ruins personal interactions. The way someone talks in a text doesn't have anything to do with their voice or their inflection. That valencia filter hides...exactly what they want it to hide. How awkward I am sitting across for you is taken away when I can just text you. So now, you meet this person you've been talking to for quite some time and it's just...different. That curiosity that propelled you forward is now quelled and there's nothing to keep you interested. They might even be just as attractive in person as they are in pictures. But now they're real and that's scary.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Are we that afraid of something real that we jump from conversation to conversation and run at the first sign of human interaction? I guess I'll never understand it, and I think my time using the internet to try and find a connection has come to an end. Best of luck to those who continue to use it and have done so effectively; you have found something most illusive.

Nobody Likes You When You're 23

Hi.

Did you know that people are crazy? Like all of them. Girls, boys, men, women, old, young, ALL OF THEM. I can tell you this is fact because I have a lot of different sources of information. Like...a lot.

First of all I work at the Ritz. So it's a lot of fun, I love it, but the people here are absolutely out of their minds. I promise I'm not exaggerating. Money makes people crazy. And the older they get and the more money they get, the crazier they get. Like my job is to seat you at a table for dinner and sometimes I get home at night emotionally drained from these people. They suck out your soul and don't give it back. Over a table. For dinner. CRAZY. I have gotten a lot better at dealing with it, I smile a lot more than I used to and most of the time I just brush it off. I'm writing about this because tonight this one lady is super crazy and when I showed her her own crazy in the mirror I think it scared her so much she freaked out on me. Like, woops...but you're crazy ma'am.

Girls and boys my age are crazy, too. And I don't think I'm crazy enough to handle it. I would consider myself pretty normal with a couple of crazy girl tendencies. But I look around at my "peers" and the lives they lead and the choices they make seem so weird to me. I know all of us are different but I find some of what people put up with in relationships or feel like sharing on social media to be mind blowing. I think some things are better kept to ourselves...and that's coming from me. I will sit here and write all about my life and all of the different aspects of it but trust me, I still have some secrets.

I think the last time I wrote it was about being 23 and acting 23 and I think I'm already over it. I just feel so beyond all of this. Most days I run around like a chicken without a head because I tend to juggle like a zillion things at once and I love it. But that leaves roughly zero time for anything else. I fit in what I want to and don't feel bad about saying no to the things that I really just don't want to do. And sometimes I feel like I forget about people or people need me and I'm not there so let this also serve as an apology to everyone I care about for being so crazy and not seeing you or not being so readily available. That's kind of my thing and I'm really sucking at it right now...so don't hate me. Trust me I still love you.

Love always,

Kinda-crazy-Gina

23

It's been a long four months without writing. I sit down to do it and end up changing my mind, the inspiration gone. So while I have the inspiration I'll run as far as it'll take me.

23 is a sucky age because you feel like you should be a grown up, but don't want to stop watching Sponge Bob just yet. You should have a good job, but don't want to stop serving just yet. You want to change the world, but don't have your legs under you just yet. 23 is blah.

My parents were 23 when they got married and had my sister. I'm 23 and the thought of marriage and kids scares the shit out of me. Realizing that what was theirs doesn't have to be mine is one of my biggest obstacles. I think it's a big obstacle for a lot of us.

I have 7 months until I will have finally graduated college and I'm worried about not having a plan. Sometimes I think plans are for fools, but sometimes I hate that I don't have one. When I was a kid, I was supposed to already be ruling the world. I'm not there yet, so my compass is a little skewed. I'm not sure about what's next. I wonder what I will do when I wake up in the morning with a full day off without work or school. I can't work 7 days so those are inevitable. What comes next is scary to me.

I also feel like 23 is an uncomfortable lull. I don't have a boyfriend and I honestly think I would be annoyed if I did. I had one for a while and it was fine, but that was it. It was fine. But I don't want fine. If I can't have excitement then I don't want anything. I don't want anything that just happens and seems to work. I did that once and it hurt. We're too young to hurt so much.

23 should be stupid. At 40 I want to wake up laughing at how stupid I was, the mistakes I made, the hearts I broke. I haven't done that yet. Not in a bad way, but I want to. I want to leave my mark on people, some in a good way and honestly some in a bad way. I want there to be proof that I was there.

So far my 23 is only kind of stupid. I have some work to do, but I've put a pretty big dent in it.

Always,
Gina

Isn't it Ironic?

What a life we have. Honestly. We as a collective - not any certain we...I mean we the world. I'm about to talk in circles so please keep up.

Life has a way of spinning you around. Like you're about to swing at the pinata and you're so confident when you go up to it....and then you completely bomb it in front of all of your friends and family. That's where I'm up. I'm so confident in everything I do and then I totally miss the pinata and my turn is over. But eventually, you or someone else breaks the pinata and you still get to have what's inside.

Last night, my aunt on my mother's side and her husband found a photo album that belonged to my uncle's father. My uncle received it as a gift for his birthday, since his father passed away in 1963. My parents were born in 1962 and didn't meet until the 1980s. From this photo album fell a thank you note to my uncle's father...from my dad's parents. They were married in 1961. Our three families, without even knowing it, have intertwined their lives for as long as we all shall live. That is what I'm talking about with this spinning life situation.

If you're a reader of my blog, you'll know that I was dating a guy for a while that I loved, but couldn't return the feeling. He was a big part of my life, while I am just a small part of his. I grew to love his family at the same time, and fortunately for me they have chosen to still keep that affection for me long after he and I have gone our separate ways. Those are the kinds of people, the ones that choose you after all sorts of situations, that should be in your life. And sometimes, like I said, they choose you.

In April I went to visit my best friend in Miami. She and I used to spend our summers over there growing up, probably 3 years in a row starting when we were 14. There were soundtracks to our summers and stories and friendships and memories to last a lifetime. All of those things I have since put behind me; things that happened and were amazing but that I would never relive. Big crushes and secret talks about the boys we used to hang out with happened a lot on these nights. Everything was crazy and nothing was lasting. When I saw her in April I wanted to relive that freedom. I had a full 4 days to spend with her that I haven't had in who knows how long. With those 4 days I decided to get some of our old group together to go out and be adults for the first time since we actually were adults. I'm talking 6 or 7 years after we first met and probably since the last time we all had spoken. It was that weekend that I saw my boyfriend now for the first time since I told my best friend I liked him 6 years prior. I was a child back then. I liked him because he was cute and had a car - clearly my taste was not very particular. But then, seeing him again and knowing that my 15 year-old self was on to something...that was amazing. And here we are, dating, after I thought I would never see him again.

That's what I'm saying about life. It's one big gravitron. You really want to get up off the wall but if you do you will either puke or pass out. So you stay against the wall. But when the ride stops you look at your friends, laugh, and all decide unanimously to ride again.

It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

The Truth

Growing up I always knew I was a little different than everyone else. It was never outwardly obvious, I just felt it inside and I knew it to be true. When I was in kindergarten “Accelerated Reading” was being introduced and we were to read books and take tests on them to show we understood what we were reading. There are different levels for these books and you would test into different levels as your ability to read and retain information advanced. The first book I ever took an AR test on was Wayside School is Falling Down by Louis Sachar. It was 192 pages long with 30 chapters. I got a 100% on the test. From that moment forward, Mrs. Bell, my teacher at the time, treated me just a little different. I was pulled aside a lot and eventually was taken for a test to place me into gifted classes. I started those classes in the 1^st grade. That was when I learned that being different was fun. Being the child that was just a little bit special came with rewards; my own table in the classroom, leaving the room for special tests, getting treats from the teachers who would pull me out, and the chance to compete in spelling bees and math competitions. Everything that happened in those formative years brought me to where I am today; but currently I’ve let down the little girl who got a 100% on her first AR test. That drive to succeed and be the best is gone and it can be found in New York City.

I was accepted to New York University in March of my senior year in high school. I had told my parents I was going to NYU when I was 10 years old and nothing was going to change my mind. I was naturally talented in school and I couldn’t lose. I aced everything, didn’t bat an eye at homework and thoroughly enjoyed going to school. I got to middle school and school became slightly more difficult as I entered into all-day gifted classes as opposed to the one day a week I was used to. But I still didn’t get deterred. I still liked school and I enjoyed being the best. I tried so hard because I wanted my peers to know that I was a force to be reckoned with. That all changed my freshmen year of high school. I was working part-time at Publix, I ran for student council and became the class Vice President, and joined the volleyball team as well as a handful of other clubs. Combined with classes, this super-girl persona I had created was beginning to meet her match. I had to quit my job and eventually, when my family life was becoming difficult and student government didn’t prove to be as perfect as I was, I checked out of school. I would fight for the next 3 years of high school to get my GPA back up to an acceptable level and to gain the respect of my classmates I was always looking for.

However, come graduation I was still voted Most Likely to Succeed, had my acceptance letter to NYU in my hand, and gave the commencement speech at graduation. I spoke to my peers about dreaming and believing that anything we wish to accomplish in this world is possible as well as without limitation. I inspired myself into believing that I could make it in New York and all of my dreams would come true. But reality is never quite the same as our hopes and dreams.

I got to New York and realized right away I was at a school with people who completely understood me. They, too, were the ones pulled out of class when they were 5 years old. They were the winners of their spelling bees and math competitions. They pioneered charity events in high school and were looking to continue that in New York. We had heated discussions about philosophy and religion and the origin of it all. I was right where I belonged, but never could afford to be. Once the money became too much of a burden on myself and my family, I had to make the decision to transfer to FGCU. Fort Myers was home and I could go to school for free versus the $60,000 I was paying in New York. So I graduated NYU with my Associate’s Degree and am finishing my Bachelor’s at FGCU. And I say my drive and my passion and my desire to be the absolute best version of myself is in New York because I went back on my word. I told my peers on graduation day to reach for the stars and not let anything ever get in the way of that. But I didn’t listen to my own words. I let money get in the way of my dream and I feel as though I am back at square one. That little girl is disappointed, too.

I pride myself on being the strongest person in the room. I am a problem solver and will take the risks for the masses to let them know it is safe to pass. I will always lead, therefore refusing to follow. Now that I have done the weakest thing I could think of, leaving New York, I try to find that passion for success other places. I have been working since I was 14 except for that brief stint my freshmen year of high school and one semester in New York. Upon returning I obtained full-time employment and have held a job somewhere ever since. Full-time school and full-time work are my requirements for trying to make up for what I gave up. This way, my goal of being successful can still exist.

Ultimately, I would love to be a writer. While in New York I really honed my skill and dug deep into the creativity I have been cultivating for quite some time now.  I haven’t worked on it since being home, as here in Fort Myers that’s not very practical, but I always hope to one day get there. My plan is to find enough success, monetarily and otherwise, to help me get there. My most recent profession is within resort hospitality at The Ritz-Carlton Beach Resort in Naples. Choices of positions at all levels of a business operation are possible now that my foot is in this door and I hope to find myself in a far away land full of inspiration.

When your whole life has been set around wanting to change the world and do it with a full heart, it’s disappointing when you feel as though you have given up on it. I don’t regret the choices I’ve made however I do regret losing the passion I once had to be the best at everything I set my mind to. I intend to ultimately get it back, as I keep striving towards my degree and my ultimate goals that I know will not only make me happy, but will make my family and those closest to me happy. Although they tell me that they only hope for my happiness, I know my loved ones are looking for more from me. I was the little girl who could read when she was 3 years old. I was the girl who organized the fundraiser that won the National Junior Honor Society national award for excellence in middle school. I was the girl who did it all and never faced a problem she couldn’t solve. As I continue to learn and grow in my education I do believe I will find that person again and successfully achieve all that I set my mind to.

While in college, or preparing to graduate from it, we tend to look back at everything that got us to where we are now. For me, it’s a tough look back because of all of the things I would change. We see ourselves differently when looking back versus the moment of making our choices, or at least I do. I have lost and gained a lot of friends along the way, some I never would have thought I would lose and some I never thought I would end up close to. I have thought I was in love and lost it. Then I was really in love and realize now what that feels like, and I lost that too. Because of all of the things I’ve seen and experienced I know I am a different person than I used to be. However, I am still that stubborn, strong-headed, leader of the pack I have always been; right now, it is just somewhere deep within. My goal is to unleash that again someday and change the world the way I know I can. My peers saw it in me in high school when they not only voted me Most Likely to Succeed, but when they hand picked me to be the one to send them off at graduation. My ultimate goal is to inspire in all aspects of life. Being the best version of yourself personally and professionally is something to be proud of and all of the steps we take to get there will forge the outcome.

People

People are going to disappoint you. They are going to be less than you wish them to be. They are going to make decisions you don't agree with. But these people will always be the ones you care about that most. That is why you care so much about whether they choose to do the right or wrong thing. It's never going to go the way you want it to, and sometimes you just have to deal.

I have a specific place for everyone in my life and most of the time they don't fit into those places. I get disappointed more often than not because I don't get what I want. I want reciprocated feelings and genuine gestures they way I give out genuine gestures. But I don't get it. I'm beginning to think I never will. Most people are inherently selfish and sometimes I wish I were like that. I wish I could only see what I wanted and go out and get it but I don't work that way. I envy people who do. Maybe then I would be less disappointed in the people I care about for being as invested as I am.

I try not to burn bridges but it tends to happen anyway. I keep people as close as possible until it just isn't an option anymore. It's hard, when you're the one who is always reaching out, trying to keep a friendship alive. Most people would give up and walk away but I don't. I keep pushing and prodding and hoping I'll get back what I put in. I don't think I ever have. I try to deal, like I mentioned earlier. That usually doesn't go the way I plan, either. Nothing ever does. I have to stop planning.

I want what I want, when I want it, but I never get it. I'm not complaining, I don't think, simply stating facts. It's hard to see what's right in front of you until it isn't there anymore. I think I'm going to be less "there" from now on and see what happens, who notices, who doesn't care, etc. I pride myself on being a great friend and shoulder and confidant. Sometimes I'd like that in return.

Just...be aware of your surroundings. Don't get so caught up in yourself you forget what's in front of you. Because if you do, I promise you'll notice when it's not there.

xx
Gina