Tell Me Something Good

Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I'm going to obviously write about everything I'm thankful for. There's a lot of things and it might drag but it's worth it because...it will definitely be a little insight into my crazy little mind. I'm going to start with the little things and move on to the bigger ones.

I'm thankful for Dunkin Donuts iced coffee every single morning. Without it, I seriously am a different person and on the weekends I am not a happy camper so the fact that it exists and gets me through my days is wonderful.

I'm thankful for having the ability to do absolutely everything I want to do. I inherited this trait from my mother. If my bank account is empty but I want a hamburger, I find quarters and I get myself that hamburger. There is always a way. But on a bigger scale, I am going to 5 concerts in the next 6 months and 4 of them I paid for with my own money because I have a wonderful job that allows me to do that.

So on that note, I'm thankful for my wonderful job. Not only do I enjoy what I do, but I make enough money to pay all of my bills and spoil myself a little on the side. I have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and I get my nails done every two weeks. I also work with great people. There might only be a few of us in this office, but I get taken out to lunch at least once a week and I have sounding boards for when I'm going nuts at work. I'm thankful for my coworkers.

I'm also thankful for the roof over my head. Provided by my best friend, I have my own room and my own bathroom and a place to call home. I have electricity and running water. And I don't pay very much in the scheme of things to have all of that.

That leads me to being thankful for my best friends and those I consider now to be my family, near or far. Morgan, Copelin, Catherine...these are my sisters. Catherine has seen it ALL. For 12 years she's seen the good, the bad, the ugly, the unfortunate fashion decisions, the terrible haircut choices, the even worse taste in boys, the heartache, the laughs, the tears, the distance, the time spent together that feels as though there has never been any time in between. She is my all. I firmly believe that we were created so close together in time because someone up there knew that there was no such things as me without her and vice versa. Morgan has picked up a lot of broken pieces for me probably without realizing it. She has such a way to slap reality into my face without the actually sting of the slap that is so real and honest, it's incredible. We live together and if I see her once a week that's a lot...but she's always there. A piece of me I need when I don't know I need it. Copelin has been there for a lot of it, too. I think I take her for granted the most just because I know she's going to be there. I'm never afraid of losing her, but I also don't take advantage of that. If I want to see her, I see her. We make it work and she screws my head back on straight. I do the same for her and I'll do it until the day I die.

Far, I also have people I love and wouldn't be the same without. Kimmy, through high school and still now, she's my girl. When you have someone you can sit and talk with for hours like you're still 17 and nothing has changed and live in just that moment...that is what I love. She is who I love. Danya, my NYU spirit sister. The person I talk to the least and probably think about the most. She just gets it. She's off the wall and perfect. The person I desire to be with every fiber of my being. She supports me when I don't even know I'm in need of support. I miss our dinners or stupid talks on your bed about Taylor Swift and how perfect she sums up our lives and everything we want out of this world. I just miss you. But every single day, I'm thankful for you.

Where there are friends, there is family. My parents go without saying. I have gotten everything I have ever needed from them and then some. Hardly have I ever gotten a "no" from them and maybe that's not such a good thing but I'm blessed and spoiled and ever-so-grateful. My grandparents were my lifeline as a child and as I watch them grow older and weaker, they are still the same two people who put Pocahontas stickers on the phone outside so that I knew it was my phone and no one else's. I cherish the time I get to spend with them because they still have such spunk in their 80s and I know my time with them is drawing to a close so I'm grateful simply for every single day. My siblings: for everything. Michelle is my psuedomom who has been taking care of me for as long as I can remember. Feeding me when I'm too poor to feed myself or just hanging out with me watching stupid TV because she cares. Making me break-up kits when my heart hurts and loving me to the moon and back. Ditto, seester, always. Christopher, simply for being Christopher. When it comes down to it when I need him he's there. I firmly believe he'd kill someone for me, and we all need someone like that in our corner. Love isn't a strong enough word to express how I feel for these people.

That's all I have. I'm thankful for a lot. For the hurt, for the pain, for the happiness that is inevitable after and the strength I gain from it all. I'm breathing and living another day and for THAT, I am thankful.

xx
Gina

Great Expectations

A few weeks ago I came across a quote that sums up most of my days - and I think a lot of others' as well: "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be." Now I have always been one to take words and run with them, simply because words are one of my favorite things in this world. I left that out of my last post - I love words. They have such power and when used the right way it's incredible what they can do. My greatest desire in life is to inspire with my words, at least one person. If I can do that, I think everything else will sort of fall into place.

That last sentence, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I have this picture in my head of how things will be if I just accomplish this, or that, or the other thing. It's not true. Well, it might be...but I don't know that for sure. I am such a control freak that if things don't follow this yellow brick road I've laid down in front of me, my world falls apart. Absolutely nothing lately has fallen on my predetermined path. But what I'm figuring out is that MY predetermined path isn't the same as the predetermined path I've already been given.

I've realized recently that I'm a manipulator. Not necessarily in the worst sense of the word, but I twist and turn things all the time to be what I want them to be. Most of the time my manipulation is completely wrong - my imagination is one hell of a creature, let me tell you. And it's something I need to stop. I have to remind myself every day. I tattooed the symbol for no worries on myself as a reminder that I CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING. Most days it is the most difficult thing I have to do all day. Stats, Macro, Accounting tests all in one week - piece of cake. Not manipulating, controlling, or worrying - next to impossible. But NOT impossible. We need reminders all the time. To someone who I hope reads this, too, LET IT BE. If it's on your body chances are you need the reminder.

I write all of this down and think about it so much and share it with all of you because as much as it helps me, I hope it helps you, too. Let it go, let it be, que sera, sera. I work on it every day.

xx
Gina

Sticks and Stones

I've learned a lot about the power of words lately. Words can set you free or they can hit you like a ton of bricks, trying to bury you in the ground. It has always been said that words are the only thing that can't really hurt you - they are just words. But I don't think that's true. Words can hurt more than actions just for that reason, people don't think they mean anything so they'll say whatever it is that crosses their mind.

I recently received an apology from someone I honestly never thought I was going to get closure from. It has been a long time and I had come to the same realization this person had many moons ago, but it doesn't mean anything unless they come to the same conclusion. Now that they have, a piece of me is kind of restored and I can move on. I thought I had moved on, but I was probably never going to until I got that sense of..."doneness"...and this idea that I wasn't crazy, that really was how things were between us.

I also recently got blindsided by the loss of a best friend. That's all I have to say about that subject, just know that words have power.

But I also think words have power until a certain point. If my arch enemy told me something was true, I would probably not believe them just because they are my arch enemy. But if my mom told me? Damn right it's true. It's the same thing for the people that are right for you in your life and the people that aren't. The people that aren't tell you what you want to hear, the people that are tell you what you need to hear.

I've slung some pretty awful and hurtful words in my lifetime, but I've also given great speeches and lifted many people from the ground. I know what has made me happier and more fulfilled and I will continue to move in that direction. If others can't, it is those people I truly feel for.

xx
Gina

Like We Swore We Wouldn't Do

I make a lot of promises to myself. Stay up later. Go out more. Socialize. Stop setting yourself up for failure. Be easier on yourself. Use q-tips when you get out of the shower. Don't kill the dogs sniffing your door at 5am. The list goes on. Most of the time I break these promises because I (like last night) fall asleep watching Gilmore Girls at 8:30pm and don't feel the least bit bad about it. But maybe trade-offs are worth it.

I went out the night before until after midnight (seriously, I wake up at 6:30am on the daily so this was huge) and I didn't entirely hate myself in the morning. I spent time with people I care about. It didn't kill me. I need to start doing more of that.

I registered for Spring classes on Monday and got kind of excited like I used to when I get my school schedules. I'm going to be really busy and school is going to be really hard and...I'm looking forward to it. I like being on campus at 6pm when it's just starting to get dark and it's kind of quiet and you and your class are seemingly the only ones left. It's motivating, to me at least. Yesterday, I tapped into my nerd center that has been so long tucked away I didn't know it existed anymore and wrote out a test review for my accounting test coming up on Monday and forwarded it to the entire class. I didn't have to do that. But I know the names of at least 5 of the people in that class, which is huge for me, and I don't hate it.

For my Macro final there is a high possibility of me studying with two other girls who sit near me in class because we have weekly conversations. Yeah, I'm talking to people in my classes. Who knew making friends was so fun?

And I'm working really hard at work. Like three new job orders a day, emails to potential candidates, executing fee agreements, making websites from scratch on a regular basis kind of busy. But at night, I sleep. Sometimes like a baby, sometimes I have dreams of accounting equations and resumes. But you know what my dreams aren't? Scary. Stressed. Fearful. Desperate. Sad.

I really enjoy taking deep breaths of fresh air.

xx
Gina

Changes

I'm feelin' Tupac this morning. Everything changes. I hate change. Absolutely despise it. If everything could be the same every day, knowing what to expect, what was going to hurt, what was going to make me happy, etc, I could prepare for it and be ready to tackle the day. I'm never prepared. I never know. I've been slapped around a lot lately and now I know.....everything changes and you're not supposed to be prepared.

People will surprise you. "Life will surprise you if you let it," says Michelle Hoffmann, my intelligent older sister whose insight punches to the core 99% of the time. It has been surprising me left and right lately, good and bad. You win some, you lose some. When it used to stop me in my tracks, now it pushes me forward. I have gained so much closure in the past few weeks simply by focusing on me. It's funny how when you focus on you, others are attracted to your energy and will either fall in or fall out. 

I have taken the steps necessary for me. I like to think I'm superwoman, but it turns out that I'm not. Ginamazing is a version of myself, although not a name I came up with, that saves the world. She is the girl who gives for all and forgets herself. Ginamazing is selfless and modest, responsible for the happiness of others and willing to fight any and all's demons - except her own. From now on, I think I'm going to try being not-so-Ginamazing. I'm still powerful, full of insight and necessary (sometimes useless) wisdom, charm, sass, dedication, devotion, and love - but now it's love for myself. A dedication and a devotion to who I am. I'm not defined by what I can do for others. While that makes me happy to the utmost, that shouldn't be what's in the dictionary under my name. My tombstone will read a novel of things about me, not what I did for others.

I'm refreshed and ready for the new. Embracing the change. Loving those who will love me. Any and all are invited.

Who are you going to be today?

xx

Gina