Superman

There’s something to be said about the people that come and go in our lives. Constantly, it’s like a revolving door of people that sometimes we notice and sometimes we don’t. Surprisingly, most of the time we don’t notice them until after the fact; like a photo-bomber in the background of a picture until we zoom in and bring them into the foreground. Throughout your life there are always going to be those people: the centers of our pictures and the ones in the background until we bring them to the front. Other times the people in the center become backgrounds until they are so far away we can’t see them anymore. And some people, we never take pictures with because no matter how it feels, they weren’t there long enough to keep hard evidence forever.

The people that keep popping up in your pictures, those are the ones who matter. If you can make a flipbook of your life and see the same people across a span of time, they matter. In the beginning, you might not even realize it. I’ll give you an example. One of my best friends today, I met her in elementary school. We knew each other, in 5^th grade maybe sometimes we hung out, but I was friends with a group of girls who tried to make me someone I wasn’t. I dressed different and acted different and I don’t have any pictures of them anymore. But this girl, she was in a couple of those pictures. Not in the center, maybe not supposed to be in the picture at all, but she was there. I have mental pictures of her breaking her arm after running into a pole. In 5^th grade she was just that silly girl who did silly things and wrote things like “poop is cool” on my DARE shirt. We went to separate middle schools and I probably never thought about her again until high school when our group of friends merged again, through different people this time. Throughout high school she just kept popping up. Sometimes more often than others, sometimes I wouldn’t see her for months. By the time we graduated she was my best friend. After graduation I moved to New York City and still, she was my best friend across 1500 miles. I would come home and see her and she was the same quirky girl with a big heart who was just as confused about life as I was. Now that I’ve been home for more than a year and a half she is more than my best friend. She senses when I need her and she will shoot me a text just to say so. She understands how it feels to need everything and ask for nothing. Those kinds of people, they are the ones who will be in your flipbook until the very end. I have a few people like that and I think that’s all we need.

Others, ones who take up just a year of your life…in the scheme of things that isn’t much. If I live to be 80, that is only 1.25% of my life. The other 98.75% is left to realize what was missing in that picture, or lack thereof, and change it. Change can happen instantly or it can happen over time. Sometimes we have to crash hard into the dirt to finally get it. But no matter how you get there, the end of the tunnel is going to everyone who has always mattered and pictures of how it looked along the way. So keep making pictures. Keep spinning that revolving door. Life and the people in it are just a grab bag with unlimited pulls. Keep pulling. Keep living. And take pictures of it all. You don’t have to show the pictures to anyone or you can show them to everyone. Your choice, your life. But never regret who once was or who isn’t anymore or who will always be. They meant something, or mean something, or stole something, or broke something, and turned you into the you the world sees today. Keep making that person, because someone out there loves the mosaic of you that you’ve created.

Where We're Going, I Don't Know

Being strong is really hard. Like almost impossible when I really try. I get on these roads and I get so excited when I think they're the right ones and then I hit a road block and I have to turn around, retrace my steps, and try again, pretty much like a maze. Sometimes the situation is easy and I get through it without hitting any walls. Right now, it feels like I'm in 3 mazes at once. I want to do and be so many things for so many people and I fight with myself daily about trying to do all of these things. I know it isn't my responsibility to please everyone but when I hear that someone disapproves of me or is disappointed in me it kills me.

The girl I was in school was the perfect version of me, or so I thought for a very long time. That girl did whatever she wanted, joined clubs, ran for student councils, got great grades, just straight up kicked ass. But I made a lot of people mad and I was really pretty mean. I'm very opinionated and very smart and I let that control me sometimes. That version of me battles with the "please everyone" version of me all the time.

I have these eureka moments where I think I have most of it figured out but they come crashing down every once in a while. I make a mistake or someone gets mad at me or my heart hurts and I can only find blame in myself. I'm always looking for someone to blame and maybe that's my problem. Sometimes it isn't anyone's fault, including my own. I can say the words as much as I want. That I know it isn't my fault that he doesn't want to be with me or that she doesn't want to be my friend. Neither of those things have anything to do with me. Internal battles are fought by everyone every day and it's almost selfish of me to think that everything is about me. The good or the bad. I still think everyone can be saved and that I can single-handed fix all of my friends and family and loved ones...but I can't. I know I can't but I still try. It is this never-ending cycle. But I also know that I'll figure it out eventually. I don't worry about getting out of it like I used to. I know I will. But that doesn't mean I don't get upset or hurt when I feel like I try so hard and get nowhere. I'm sure I'm not going nowhere but my view gets cloudy every once in a while.

I did next to nothing today except watch Netflix and sleep so I guess you could say I've spent most of today thinking or dreaming about everything I continue to worry about. There's good days and bad days...but tomorrow is always a new day.

xx
Gina

Decisions, Decisions

I'm fairly confident this will be my last post of substance for a while. This is for no reason other than that I want to save the really deep stuff for a project I'm working on. It has come to my attention that my blog reads as a sort of self-help book so for that reason, I'm going to write just that. I say all the time that it has been my dream to write a book and I think I've finally found the capacity in which to write.

At the same time, I've made other decisions that will coincide with the writing of my book. If you read my blog regularly there is a pretty loud theme throughout the whole thing: emotion. I feel strongly and react to those feelings even stronger. Mine, yours, my best friends', your sister's enemy's, whatever. But now I've decided to listen to what people have been telling me for close to 8 years now and follow my passion.

I've been stuck in this place of cloudiness and uncertainty for what feels like an eternity. But now I'm not really in that darkness anymore. I've shined a light on my future and placed the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel and that is where I'm walking. It's not the most well-lit path I've ever walked, but it's the first one that just feels right. When I graduate FGCU next spring with my Bachelor's Degree, I have officially decided to continue on to graduate school. This has been a topic of much internal debate, whether or not I needed graduate school, or maybe it was law school...I just didn't know. Now I know, and that's the most incredible feeling I can't really explain. It's just a sense of purpose, I guess. I want so much more out of my classes now that I know what I want to do. So to stop deviating from my real purpose, I'm going to obtain my Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. With this degree alongside my Business degree I'm currently working on, I'll be able to open my own practice and use the skills I've been told so often I have to finally help other people. That is what I want most. I write here to help others relate. While that may be slowing down, I will continue writing in another capacity and release those words for mass consumption.

I'm excited. Like "8 years old going to Disney in the morning so I can't sleep" excited. I haven't had that feeling in a very long time. I hope you guys are ready to go on an adventure with me.

xx
Gina

A Heart Don't Forget Something Like That

The heart. The trickiest organ in the human body. Well, maybe not. The heart that swells over sweet things or gets broken over the hurtful ones...I think that's located somewhere in or around our stomach. I say this because we get butterflies and nerves over the good things in our stomach. We stop eating or feel sick or get a pit in our stomach over the bad. So our heart, the one that feels and dictates our mood, I think it's in our stomach. It could be on our sleeve, like mine, so maybe I have two. They're carbon copies of each other but trust me, it is in both places.

I say all of this because there are people around me who are experiencing things right now, myself included, who may need some insight. There are hundreds of buzzfeed or mashable articles about "how girls feel when their heart is broken" or "how girls deal with breakups" or "10 signs she's crazy and you should run for the hills". And more recently, there's the articles from guys' perspective like "why I need my space" and "15 ways I don't understand how pinterest does anything at all". Maybe I can dig a little deeper as someone my readers know personally. You've met me, had classes with me, played drinking games with me, seen me yell at someone, or give a dirty look to. I'd say only about 5% of you have seen me interacting romantically with a guy. I keep that pretty private for a reason, but I write about how I feel so even if you don't see it, you've more than likely read about it.

I have had a cracked heart before, when I thought it was broken but it wasn't. There were just some pieces missing and probably a couple pieces I won't be back because that person still shows up in my dreams every once in a while but that feel does not compare to a broken heart. A broken heart is shattered and seemingly irreparable. Well, I'm here to tell you, and those that may need to hear this the most right now, it's not irreparable. It hurts like hell, that pit in your stomach takes over your whole body, you're crying to the point you don't have any tears left and you're just heaving and dry-sobbing. Then you might fall asleep and you wake up and your head feels 19 times larger than it did when you fell asleep. Oh yeah, those are all heartbreak side effects. But what you don't know is that while all of this is happening, your heart, wherever it may be located, is trying to heal itself.

You know how when you clean your room it almost always gets messier before it actually gets clean? That is how it feels when your heart is trying to fix itself. It hurts at first, then it hurts a lot to the point where everything is cloudy and your bed is your only friend, and then one day it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Your imagination stops playing all those tricks on you, for the most part anyway. And you just kind of keep going. It's easier when you have other things to focus on like work or school. But friends are a lifeline too, and even family if you're close with them. Just because some stupid guy or girl broke your heart, or maybe you were the stupid one and they broke it to wake you up..whatever the case may be you have options to get you through it.

These things are natural. All this pain and suffering...we'd be weak and unemotional without it. Strength and emotion are two of my favorite qualities both in myself and in others. If you can't show me how you feel, or that you feel anything at all, honestly I don't trust you. I spent a lot of my time trying to make someone else show me how they feel or that they do feel anything and it was a waste of my time and I was the only one who got hurt. I got a lot out of that experience and things that have changed me and the way I view the world but that's another thing we have to come to terms with.

Changing someone isn't loving them. Motivating and being the force behind THEIR decision to change is different. You can't make anyone be something they aren't. The sooner we learn that the less the hearts in our stomachs will make us sick. I would say think before you jump but I think sometimes we need to jump before we think to learn about who we are in our weakest moments. We're not invincible but in my experience I've always had someone to help pick me up off the ground when that jump wasn't worth it.

I guess what I'm saying is don't dwell on the sad. Let it hurt for a bit, eat lots of ice cream or play lots of video games if that's your coping mechanism. But pick yourself up and keep pushing forward. I believe every single person in this world has a fire inside of them waiting to create something great in their own way. Don't let a broken heart-stomach stop you from that.

Keep on keepin' on.

xx
Gina

I Wanna Talk About Me

So I'm sitting here at work (where I write most of my blogs, sorry boss) and it's a particularly good day, especially for a Monday. Why? Well, I'm sipping MY coffee, sorting MY email, listening to MY music, making lists of what I need to do still for MY finals, and sorting things out for MY part in helping out a friend. Did you catch the theme there? ME. I don't think there has been a time recently when everything I have done has revolved almost solely around myself. And it's not even selfish, it's normal. Most of you might sit there and be like "uh...cool? I do that every day." That's awesome and more power to you, but this is not my normal. My usual day is listening to the radio, catching the traffic report, hearing about an accident and seeing if that's on anyone I know's route to work so I can let them know what to avoid. Then I think about my day and wonder what kind of mood my boss will be in and whether or not we'll have lunch together and how I can make her day better if she had a crappy weekend, etc. Then I wish a good day to those who don't return the niceties and could care less if I have a good day or not.

NOT TODAY, KIDS. Today, it's all about me. I have things to do and stuff to get done before certain deadlines. I have fun to have that no one is going to stop me from. I feel so lucky to have all of this. My own life and my own things that make me happy that aren't based on what makes others happy. It's really freakin' refreshing. Maybe it's because I am such a planner and I do have a plan for at least the next 10 days and things may change slightly in between but all of my plans are focused around me. Not based on someone else's schedule or on anyone else's dime. I finally have ONLY the friends in my life who appreciate me and don't take advantage of my give-all spirit and I have a family and extended family that I can guarantee would kill for me.

#selfishmonday

xx
Gina

Untitled

I try and come up with a title for my blog before I write it that way I can let whoever reads it know kind of what it's going to be about. This is a jumbled thoughts blog because I haven't had any epiphanies or a desperate need to get anything off of my chest. This is just a word vomit post.

I always feel like I'm giving up things I want for things I think I want and usually don't need or aren't very good for me. To channel macroeconomics, my opportunity costs are way high and I am missing out on some serious business. Like I really want to write a book. It is something I think about every single day. But I have yet to sit down and even give myself a story line or list of characters or plot twists. Why? Because I keep waiting for something better to come along. I get home from school or work and maybe someone is going to text me and say they're free and we can go do something. Okay, cool, I'm just sitting here  relaxing I'll be ready when you are. I've always been that way. I've never been the "oh, no, I'm busy" or "oh, sorry, I have plans already!" type. I'm always ready for anything and it has always been my downfall.

I'm a planner. I like to know what each day is going to consist of and at what times so I can schedule and pack as much in as possible. Winging it is NOT my thing. Well, sometimes. I decided on Thanksgiving that I was going to Tampa on Friday to see one of my dearest NYU friends and I did it. Just up and left on Friday morning and spent the entire day with her. It was a blast and you don't realize how much you miss someone until you get to spend time with them again. Or how much someone understands you and who you are, or may have been when you knew them last. I kind of forgot about the person I was in New York, not that she is all that different from who I am now, but we are certainly on different playing fields. I was driven and excited most days in the city just because I had so much opportunity. I wasted a lot of it and I know that, but it was nice to know it was there. Fort Myers, not as much of a bustling hub of opportunity. It's just weird.

But back to random rambles, I have just been seeing that I give up a lot of things to make room for other things that are probably not worth it. I know why, and it's because I'm afraid of giving up on my "what ifs." I don't sit down and write out a story line because what if I get a call and I'm needed somewhere else? I'll have to go and then the creativity is broken and I wasted my time. But if I sit down and write out a story line and....turn off my phone or don't wait for someone to call me my creativity won't be broken and my plan is in tact and I'm getting what I want. I guess I'm just afraid of losing what I currently have to pursue what I want.

In reality, though, if I lose things or people along the way to getting to my ultimate goal, they couldn't have been that good for me anyway, right? Oh, the struggle.

xx
Gina