Where We're Going, I Don't Know

Being strong is really hard. Like almost impossible when I really try. I get on these roads and I get so excited when I think they're the right ones and then I hit a road block and I have to turn around, retrace my steps, and try again, pretty much like a maze. Sometimes the situation is easy and I get through it without hitting any walls. Right now, it feels like I'm in 3 mazes at once. I want to do and be so many things for so many people and I fight with myself daily about trying to do all of these things. I know it isn't my responsibility to please everyone but when I hear that someone disapproves of me or is disappointed in me it kills me.

The girl I was in school was the perfect version of me, or so I thought for a very long time. That girl did whatever she wanted, joined clubs, ran for student councils, got great grades, just straight up kicked ass. But I made a lot of people mad and I was really pretty mean. I'm very opinionated and very smart and I let that control me sometimes. That version of me battles with the "please everyone" version of me all the time.

I have these eureka moments where I think I have most of it figured out but they come crashing down every once in a while. I make a mistake or someone gets mad at me or my heart hurts and I can only find blame in myself. I'm always looking for someone to blame and maybe that's my problem. Sometimes it isn't anyone's fault, including my own. I can say the words as much as I want. That I know it isn't my fault that he doesn't want to be with me or that she doesn't want to be my friend. Neither of those things have anything to do with me. Internal battles are fought by everyone every day and it's almost selfish of me to think that everything is about me. The good or the bad. I still think everyone can be saved and that I can single-handed fix all of my friends and family and loved ones...but I can't. I know I can't but I still try. It is this never-ending cycle. But I also know that I'll figure it out eventually. I don't worry about getting out of it like I used to. I know I will. But that doesn't mean I don't get upset or hurt when I feel like I try so hard and get nowhere. I'm sure I'm not going nowhere but my view gets cloudy every once in a while.

I did next to nothing today except watch Netflix and sleep so I guess you could say I've spent most of today thinking or dreaming about everything I continue to worry about. There's good days and bad days...but tomorrow is always a new day.

xx
Gina