Green Bananas

The diary of a girl who spends a lot of time by herself:

Over the past month I have become my own best friend. The way I was my own best friend 2 years ago, something I forgot how to do. We get content being by ourselves when it's all we know. When that changes and someone else starts taking up our time and becoming part of us coming down from that is really hard. I wouldn't say I'm completely content, but I'm alright.

I make decisions based on what I want for the first time in a very long time. I would wait to get my nails done until the very last minute because I had to make sure I wasn't wanted/needed anywhere else. Now, I don't ask. I just go do. I wake up on the weekend and decide to drive across the state. I haven't been able to do that since I first moved home because I let someone else decide what I should do. I sleep whenever I want for as long as I want. I used to do this all the time. I stopped when I started having to be there for someone else at the drop of a hat. Now, I sleep. But probably too much because right around 3am I'm ready to go, every single day.

It's crazy how you let others change you without even realizing it. I didn't even notice how much I didn't like who I was until now. I listened to different music, watched different TV, "liked" different things just to placate someone else. Like I am THAT much of a people-pleaser that I will alter my likes and dislikes just to make someone else happy. But now, shooooooooooot watch out. I listen to the same playlist for days on end and sing the same songs at the top of my lungs in my car with all the windows down. I D G A F. Haha yeah that just happened. I watch Pokemon on Netflix, hate on it. (It is not as good when you're not 10 or trading the cards, btw). I just watched every episode of Lockdown and after convincing myself that I could totally survive in prison; I could not. I would end up like one guy in the last episode that went straight up POSTAL after 5 days in county. County. Yeah, sup, that'd be me.

So yeah, I'm still learning things about myself every day. Sometimes I drive myself crazy and need to like actually go out and see other people, but most of the time it's just me, myself, and I. Back in the day I loved being by myself; then I hated it because I spent all of my time with others; now, I'm cool with it again. No one knows me better than me, except maybe Catherine, but she has this weird way of seeing straight through me no matter what I say. It's cool though. I encourage everyone to spend some good quality time solo, you'll surprise yourself with what you learn.

xx
Gina